Navigating relationships with anxiety, ADHD, or depression can sometimes emphasize the differences in your inner workings; everything that seems to come naturally to others might require extra thought and energy from you. But understanding how your brain works can actually help you build stronger, more authentic connections with the people in your life.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on and what actually helps.

The reality of your experiences

Living with anxiety, ADHD, or depression means that your brain processes social interactions and emotions differently. Because of ADHD, you might forget to text back for days while simultaneously feeling intense emotions about your relationships. Anxiety can have you overthinking every interaction and assuming the worst, and depression might drain your social battery so completely that even reaching out to your closest friends feels impossible.

These aren’t character flaws — they’re real neurological and psychological experiences that affect how you interact and connect with others. And accepting this reality is the first step toward building and maintaining stronger relationships.

The power of communication

In actuality, being open about your struggles can strengthen your relationships, especially when complemented by someone who understands your challenges and appreciates all of the unique ways that you show care. 

Maybe this sounds like: “Sometimes I take a while to respond because my ADHD makes me lose track of messages, but I care about you and our friendship.”

On a surface level, this sentiment might seem simple, but this kind of transparency does two things — it helps others to understand you better, and it gives them permission to be open about their own struggles.

Practical strategies that actually work

For ADHD:

Set intentional reminders to check in with the important people in your life

Use voice messages when typing feels daunting

Schedule regular catch-ups that become part of your routine

For anxiety:

Share your anxiety patterns with trusted friends so they can support you

Practice “reality checking” your assumptions with someone you trust

Create comfortable social routines that aren’t overwhelming

For depression:

Let close friends know when you’re in a low period

Be okay with “low-energy” hangouts (sometimes watching TV together is enough)

Keep connections alive with small gestures when big ones feel impossible

The setting (and maintaining) of boundaries

Implementing clear boundaries is necessary to build healthy relationships. Your emotional and social functions work differently than many others’, so maybe you need more alone time to recharge, or maybe group settings overwhelm you. By communicating these needs clearly (and offering gentle reminders of them as needed), you create a solid foundation for yourself and the relationships you care about. 

Reminders for when things get rocky

Relationships are complex. And relationship dynamics compounded by mental health struggles can feel especially intense. Here are some key things to keep in mind (always, but particularly during rough patches):

It’s okay to step back and take care of yourself

You can ask for what you need, which might sound like,”I’m having a hard time right now and could use some extra understanding”

There is professional support that can  help you navigate both your mental health and your relationships — and it’s okay to seek it

A new perspective

The uniqueness of your brain can bring depth and richness to your relationships. With your anxiety, ADHD, or depression comes an incredibly empathetic and loyal friend or partner who understands struggle, is deeply attuned to others’ emotions, and who values authentic connections.

See how anxiety, ADHD, or depression might be affecting your relationships with the Mentavi Mental Wellness Snapshot.

In honor of ADHD Awareness Month, we’re launching a special series revisiting some of our most insightful podcast episodes to offer valuable insights and practical advice for navigating life with ADHD.

As the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, Melissa Orlov has dedicated her career to helping couples understand how ADHD impacts emotional connections, communication, and day-to-day relationship dynamics. We’re spotlighting five key takeaways to help couples manage ADHD in their relationships. 

1. Emotional Volatility in ADHD Relationships

ADHD doesn’t just affect attention or focus—it also significantly impacts emotions. Melissa explained that emotional volatility is one of the hallmarks of ADHD, and it can lead to confusion and frustration for both partners.

“Emotional volatility, like quick anger or irritability, or a lot of escape…those are indicators ADHD may be present,” Melissa explained. These emotional ups and downs can create tension in the relationship, especially when the ADHD partner struggles to regulate their emotions and the non-ADHD partner doesn’t understand why.

She also emphasized the role that shame plays in ADHD relationships. ADHD individuals often carry the emotional scars of childhood, where they may have faced repeated criticism for their behavior. This shame can manifest in adult relationships, adding another layer of emotional complexity.

2. The Hyper-Focused Courtship

One of the more unique aspects of ADHD in relationships is what Melissa refers to as “hyper-focused courtship.” Early in the relationship, the ADHD partner may appear highly attentive, energetic, and focused on their significant other, making the early stages feel exciting and intense. However, this hyper-focus is often short-lived.

“Hyper-focused courtship is so much fun to go through…you feel like everything’s fitting perfectly,” Melissa noted. But this focus tends to fade as dopamine levels return to normal. The ADHD partner may then become more distracted, which can leave the other partner feeling confused or even neglected.

Understanding that this shift is part of ADHD dynamics—not a lack of interest—can help couples navigate this transition and build a relationship based on communication and mutual understanding.

3. Challenges Women with ADHD Face in Relationships

Women with ADHD often face unique challenges in relationships, especially when their ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood. Melissa explained that women are more likely to manage household responsibilities, which can become overwhelming when ADHD makes it difficult to stay organized or handle monotonous tasks.

“A lot more women are responsible for managing things around the household,” Melissa said. These tasks often don’t have clear structure or immediate rewards, which makes them especially hard for individuals with ADHD to manage consistently. This can lead to frustration, guilt, and stress for women who feel they are falling short in both their professional and personal lives.

4. The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Patterns and Solutions

Melissa introduced the concept of the “ADHD effect” on marriage—how ADHD symptoms shape the dynamics between partners. Often, the non-ADHD partner feels frustrated or overwhelmed by their partner’s forgetfulness or lack of follow-through, while the ADHD partner feels misunderstood or criticized.

“Most people find me because they’re in a state of great struggle,” Melissa shared. This struggle often stems from a mismatch in expectations, where the non-ADHD partner assumes their spouse should be able to handle certain tasks, while the ADHD partner is genuinely struggling to keep up.

To break these patterns, Melissa recommends that couples educate themselves about ADHD and how it affects relationships. By learning about the common dynamics in ADHD-impacted relationships, couples can better understand each other and start to work on solutions together.

5. Managing ADHD in Relationships: Communication and Planning

For couples managing ADHD, communication and planning are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Melissa stressed that couples must have open, honest conversations about their frustrations without falling into a blame game.

Planning is another crucial tool for managing ADHD in relationships. Melissa recommends creating structured routines and systems, such as weekly check-ins, where both partners can discuss responsibilities and stay organized. This not only helps the ADHD partner stay on top of things but also reduces frustration for both individuals.

For couples considering parenthood, Melissa warned that ADHD can make parenting more challenging, particularly when it comes to managing the constant stream of tasks that come with caring for a child. “The number of tasks that are boring and hard to keep track of…really hit couples like a two-by-four to the head,” she noted. Couples can mitigate these challenges by preparing in advance and working together to build supportive routines.

Melissa Orlov’s February 2023 podcast remains a must-listen for anyone navigating ADHD in a relationship. Her practical advice and expert insights provide couples with the tools they need to communicate better, understand each other more deeply, and create lasting, fulfilling partnerships.

As we revisit some of our favorite podcasts throughout October in honor of ADHD Awareness Month, this episode is a perfect place to start. To learn more, you can listen to the full podcast episode here and explore more resources on ADHDmarriage.com.